Kelly LeBrock - Past Perfect

By Dave Kozicki

In 1985, as a teenager, I snuck out one night to see a movie with a few mates. The film was Weird Science, part of John Hughes’ celebration of teen angst. It was a fun flick about two nerds (Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith) who use a computer program to create the perfect woman, and the moment the absolutely gorgeous Kelly LeBrock appeared on screen, all I could do was stare in slack-jawed amazement. The nerds had created the perfect woman!

I was around the same age as the two bumbling male leads, and absolutely useless with the opposite sex. When Kelly’s immaculate leg delicately swished through the guys’ front door, I was awestruck. As the camera panned upwards, revealing her curved hips, I believed there was a God. The camera traced her wondrous physique to her tank top, full pouting lips, and slightly wind-blown hair…and then she spoke.

“So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?” she purred in a soft, English accent, and that was it for me. The rest of the film was gravy, and I was infatuated with Kelly for years to come.

It wasn’t until I was much older that I realised that Weird Science wasn’t the only feather in Kelly’s kinky cap. Taking after her model mother, Kelly graced thousands of magazine covers and became known for the phrase, “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful”, the tagline for her hugely successful Pantene shampoo advertising campaign. The definitive ’80s sex icon, her breakout role as a temptress to Gene Wilder in 1984’s The Woman in Red had her emulating Marilyn Monroe’s billowing-skirt seduction, and gallivanting naked on screen for the first time.

Kelly married film producer and restaurateur, Victor Drai, in 1984, but it didn’t last. In 1987, she hooked up with pony-tailed Steven Seagal, and starred alongside him in 1990’s Hard To Kill. The powerhouse pairing of sex bomb and action hero ended in divorce in 1996, but not before the relationship yielded three children—who I pray take after their mother. After years out of the spotlight to focus on her kids, Kelly is staging a comeback. She’s had guest appearances on Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen and Celebrity Fit Club, and her latest movie, Prep School, sees her play a teacher at a private college, and soon, in my fantasies.